Dances On Vans educates all
with the proper conduct when stopped by the fuzz. Enjoy!
The first thing to remember is that first impressions
count.
Cops have a certain degree of discretion in these things; so if you can make a good impression from the outset
it will go much better in the long run.
Suitable opening lines include:
"I'm sorry officer, I was too drunk to see the 30mph limit"
"Hello, Hello, Hello" (they love that one)
"If ignorance is no defence how come you can get away with being such an asshole?"
"You dont have the balls to bust me copper!" (especially good at routine checkpoints
where you blatantly
have done nothing wrong!)
"You'll never take me alive copper!" (Again, use this one immediately upon
opening your window at a routine stop; watch how twitchy the cop gets!)
"Whatever happened to the rest of the village people anyway?"
"Did anyone order a stripper?" (To be used when confronted by a female copper)
"Does it LOOK like I want to come quitely?"
"Can I have two ice cream cones and a Mr frosty please" (To be used whilst
staggering up drunk to one of the new look white police vans)
"It wasnt me; it was the on-armed man" (Seems to work in the movies)
"Why dont you catch real criminals instead!" (The cop will almost certainly
never have heard this logic before. I swear.)
"Is that thing loaded?" (Simultaneously reach over for the cops gun. They
love it when you do that).
"How much will it take for this whole thing to go away?" (To be used upon
drunkenly producing a handful of loose change)
"What traffic cone" (To be used whilst you have been caught with a traffic
cone on your head. This will confuse the cop).
When pulled over for speeding jump out of your car before the cops get out
and run over to ask them: "Is this your own landrover sir?"
Steal the cops badge and scream "That makes 27!!"
"I think handcuffs feel almost sensuous officer, don't you?"
"You cant arrest me officer, I have diplomatic immunity"
"I was just testing the integrity of the vans roof officer"
When asked "Do you know why i've pulled you over" respond with: "That really
depends on how long youve been following me"
"I thought she was 16 officer" (This one has been used by the J man on many
a night out).
"I thought he was 16 officer" (The J man had a LOT to drink that night, so
we cant talk about it for legal reasons)
"Look at me! I'm officer asshole!" (To be implemented by stealing the cops
hat and running off with it on your head screaming the above)
-D.O.V.
