Paranormal Terror Strikes Newcastle After Boy Slides Up Slippery Dip
A mass exodus of one of Northern Irelands top holiday resorts occurred today, after a young boy experienced what can only be described as "a voyage to trip out city". Witnesses dropped their ice-creams in dismay after a young boy – Michael Zool – tumbled his way backwards up the Slippery Dip. Deeply disturbed by the incident, young Zool was unable to discuss what happened.
The mayor of Down District Council is distraught by the event. "Newcastle draws in a great deal of revenue for the County Down area, and this latest paranormal event is set to destroy the Summer season. I fear this is not an isolated incident. Newcastle has become renowned for ‘ghost sightings’ in recent months. The local library has become a breading ground for the bizarre."
Police superintendent Rodgers, viewed the site this evening stating "We conclude nothing criminal has occurred here."
The mayor thanked the police accordingly
With no alleys left to pursue, the Mayor reluctantly called in the Whiterussian team to investigate. The crew arrived at the seen in a matter of hours, in a car which is on the MOT official’s ten most wanted list.
J-Man’s car "sucks it up".
The Kolonel was the first to get out of the car, leaving the J-man to put on the cumbersome steering lock he’d purchased for 500 pounds from a kid in Roden Street. After discussing with onlookers at the scene what had taken place, the Kolonel felt it best to concentrate the team’s effort in the public library, located a mere fifty yards from the slide. "I’m not going near that thing until it’s safe!" barked the Kolonel.
Prior to entering the building, J-Man turned to view the crowd swarming around his car, in awe of its magnificence. "Any one of you gits touches the wheels on that thing, and you’ll get a proton accelerator in the face!" he snarled, stamping out his cigarette on the ground.
Within minutes, the team were at work, with the Kolonel leading the investigation.
The Kolonel listens carefully to the table with a stethoscope.
DOV and the J-Man proceeded to smoke-me before the Kolonel suggested they speak to the librarian who had had a recent ghost sighting. DOV, muttering to himself like one of the damned, lay the librarian down while the J-Man commenced the interrogation/questioning.
J-Man begins the interrogation
After "whacking" the librarian up with a couple
of hundred milligrams of haloperidol, J-Man concluded he was unlikely to get any
further with the investigation. As DOV began to realise he was in a library, the
Kolonel summoned the gang to join him in his investigations. Holding an
elaborate bottle opener, and flaring his nostrils like an animal "on the
sniff" the crew huddled together following the Kolonel
DOV had never seen so many books.
And there it was. In front of them, a spectre. The Kolonel’s bottle opener went crazy, his nostrils flaring at an incredible rate. J-Man’s cigarette hung limp in his mouth, while DOV realised he was in a lot of shit.
Outside the site was calm. The Whiterussian team came sprawling out onto the street, DOV with his hands over his ears shouting random numbers. The Kolonel greeted the press, and told them his plan.
"In this town there is a great deal of psycho-kinetic energy. However’ there is a solution. Slieve-Donard is a mountain. And like all mountain’s, has a volcano deep inside. If we can tap into that energy source we meet be able to bury the town, and wash away the bad vibes."
"Its really quite simple…."
DOV and the J-Man nodded to each other. The time had come for action. "Lets get this ghost bitch", whispered J-Man. DOV opened the boot, while the Kolonel ranted on, explaining his plan in more detail.
DOV, can’t believe he’s going back into a library. Sick.
"What we have to do is essentially drain the volcano" continued the Kolonel. "First thing is to cut the top of it and create a lake, which can hold about 210 million cubic litres of water. The surrounding crater, I shall call Pinatubo’s crater. By digging large channels we shall be able to drain the lake, and flush open wide man-made channels into the town centre. The channels need to be….."
Schematic representation of the Kolonel’s Genius.
The J-Man and DOV, approached the entrance. J-Man felt it best DOV go inside, as he had to stay and watch his car.
After the J-Man lit a cigarette, he pushed DOV inside dismissing his objections.
J-Man sits outside keeping an eye on his car with an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back.
There was a massive struggle inside. A noise like thunder overshadowed the calm, as DOV’s nuclear accelerator tore holes through walls, and incinerated books on the shelves. Eventually he would have to go after the ghost, but, all in due time.
The kolonel, in his genius had forgotten all about the equipment he had
built, and the tools he had made for capturing ghosts. Struggling to get his
uniform on he race inside – no time for a proton pack. After ten minutes of
shouting, panic, and the J-Man smoking on the step eyeballing the crowd, DOV and
the Kolonel emerged victorious.
The Kolonel – well pleased
DOV – "That’s a big bitch"
