How to pick up Girls in Night Clubs

 

Picking up girls in night clubs is never an easy task (unless you have a lot of money).  Nevertheless, this guide aims to help relieve some of the anxiety experienced by men in this delicate task, by providing them with expert knowledge courtesy of The J-Man.

 

Getting Started:

It’s always a good idea to be appropriately dressed for the right occasion.Baggy clothing went out of style in the late 1700’s, but if you feel you can carry it off, do it with style.

The kolonel: a big fan of baggy clothing

 

Personally, I always feel the tighter the clothing, the better the first impression.  Don’t be afraid of an eighty’s Freddie look. 

 

Makes you feel like a man

 

Getting Drunk:

No-one in this dating game ever succeeds when they’re sober.  The aim is to get nicely blasted.  This will alter your own perceptions into believing you are the most sophisticated man in the bar.  Whilst all your mates may have visions of you like this at the end of the night:

You know different.  You will be the best winer and diner in the room - sophisticated, elegant and above all, intelligent in all things. .

 

J-Man in his most recent attempt

Body Language:

By far, this is one of the most important factors in ensuring success.  Remember to focus your eyes on the person you are interested in.  Don’t be easily distracted by her friends, or your own for that matter.  (Not even if you’ve no money left, and are trying to coerce your mates into buying you a drink). This can be a recipe for disaster.

A strong firm wet handshake never fails to impress.  The trick is to always grin profusely in any handshaking situation, should it arise.  Then go straight into the introductory lines - at all times shaking hands.

 

Introductory lines:

Introductory lines are mandatory to every potential dating situation.  A stiff upper lip, the odd head-roll, a stumbling stance, and the occasional hiccup are all that is required for delivery.  Here are a few, Whiterussian approved lines:

- Hello.  I’m wide but not painful.

- Are you sure you’re not fifteen….but you look so young.

- You’re so beautiful.  (then looking at her friend)  Why…why…is she so beautiful?

- Hi. What’s your…..(then, staring wide eyed at the ground)  TEN P!!!!!!  (This one has been used by kolonel on plenty of occasions when he was a single man)

- (Removing her top) THAT’S MY BELT!!! But I forgive you.

 

Just look how pleased she’ll be.

 

Small Talk:

At this point, you’ll be so drunk that small talk will come easy….. a little too easy.  The key is to lie.  Lie about your age, your occupation, your shoe size, people you’ve met…..  The list is endless.  Remember - you are here to impress, and impressive people do unbelievable things in their free time, have unbelievable jobs, meet unbelievable people, have unbelievable shoe sizes….. 

The World loves a Bastard

The Transition

This is what you’ve been waiting for all night. It is now time to become intimate.  Pretend to listen to everything she is saying, moving closer to her all the time.  Wink continuously at her friends, and ensure your own friends are close by observe your amazing stud-like abilities.

The timing has to be perfect - if you’re too drunk, chances are you’ve attempted the transition too early and have now ended up in the gutter (or you’ve ended up going with a fat chick).  If your too sober - the transition is unlikely to ever happen.  At this point, the merits of being nicely blasted come to light.

 

Too early, better luck next time fella

Waking Up:

The moment of truth has arrived.  It’s time to find out what she looks like.  False promises on standby, it’s time to roll her over, and see that face!!!!

Easy does it……