St Patrick's Day Plan Gets Green Light, Nixon Plays Down Russian Involvement.
This St Patrick's day is set to be the
greatest event ever witnessed by the gutters in our streets. Plans have been
in the pipeline for years and were finally given the go-ahead at 5am this
morning. Our local editor is said to be ecstatic about the news, claiming
it to be better than a crowd of naked elephants wrestling in a pit of tar.
Kolonal Kahula: "I've been an enthusiast for this plan for some time. Many
times we were faced with obstacles, but as always our humanity has prevailed"
"I admit provisions at the moment are somewhat lacking. We're currently in
discussions with the Ministry of Motion for motorised wheely bins on every
street corner. Obviously the gutters will have to somewhat widened, probably
by about six feet - just large enough to safely accommodate a large fat man
with six pack."
Elvis: Commie?
Local opponent, and all round ginger fluff, Oldin MaGroin, is up in arms about the decision. Mr MaGroin has strongly opposed the St Patrick's Day plan since it birth in 1997. Mr MaGroin: "Once again our society is being held to ransom by fun loving gutter blocking students - hell bent on having fun. This plan stops nothing short of organised crime, and the people behind it are perpetrators of justice."
"It is my firm belief that placing motorised wheely bins on every street corner is a recipe for disaster. Our transport system is stretched thin enough. Do we really want wheely bins to be driven by upside down drunks? Do we want a society where students can safely drink themselves into the gutter without fear of being trodden on? These plans are immoral and I will stand firm against Mr Kahula at every possible juncture.
" The plan while still under review is to embark on a three town pub crawl. The festivities commence in Newcastle in true Irish tradition (Morris Dancers are forbidden to attend). After several hours the students will travel to Downpatrick to pay their respects and consume vast quantities of fermented vegetable products. At this point, stragglers will be left to fend for themselves in the gutters, while the remaining posse travel to Belfast for the final league.
Former President Nixon in a statement via a press officer this morning said "I look to the future with a large degree of optimism. These plans will unite humanity in a way nuclear involvement never could. I can honestly say that the St Patrick's Days plan is completely without Russian involvement."
