Monday 17th March, 2003.
The Daily Cretin
CIA closing in on "Pretzel Menace"
-Bush "Finally I've found the man that brought tears to my eyes"
-Rumsfield: "He's a friggin' menace!"
Washington, 17.03.03:
An aggressive president Bush and a banana-deprived Rumsfield startled reporters this afternoon by announcing that the CIA had the
"pretzel menace" in their sights. Following looks of dismay from
surrounding members of the press a shaking Bush slowly recounted the events of
that fateful day, 14.01.02 - a day no-one will forget in American history.
Washington, 14.01.02:
George W Bush sits down for what he thought would be a
relaxing evening with his family, ignorant of the knowledge his tea had been
spiked with a "Pretzel of Doom". Not noticing anything wrong with the
salty tea (which scientists estimate had a salt concentration greater than the
Dead Sea), he proceeded to make stupid statements and laugh in a whooping
manner. Suddenly the President was involved in a proverbial epileptic dance of
death, clutching at his windpipe, whilst simultaneously waving at those around.
Joining in with the fun, his security team and family waved back, and tried to
guess the name of the film he was hinting at. But this was no charade.
As the president slowly turned blue, his two faithful dogs Barney and Spot,
playfully knocked him to the ground, licking his face in an attempt to engage
the president in a game of "chase-chase". Struggling to get to his
feet, the president gave a fleeting, pathetic look to his security staff before
crashing headlong through his living room table. In a last ditch effort to
impress the president, his wife and security chief screamed aloud the tittles
"Die Hard"and, "Rocky!"
Mr Bush told reporters "I only realised what had happened when I looked up to see my two dogs, Barney and Spot, looking down at me. I hit the deck and woke up and there were Barney and Spot showing a lot of concern. This is an event which will stick out the minds of every American. If it wasn't for my quick thinking security staff, four of whom took turns to perform the Heinemick Manouvre on me, I wouldn't be here today." he said.
Casting a look at the stunned media he made a personal consession "It brought tears to my eyes".
Washington, 17.03.03:
President Bush addressed the American people with the following statement:
"14.01.02 is a day which all Americans will remember. It was the day an
attempt was made to assassinate the president of the united states of America,
in a very ironic way. As such, it was an attack on the American people
themselves, to deprive them of leadership in thee early stage of this new
Millenia. This act cannot go unpunished".
"As of 0400 this morning, the CIA managed to locate the Pretzel Menace, one
"Kolonel Kahlua".
("The Pretzel Menace" Kolonel Christophe Kahlua)
"Combined with the efforts of the Pentagon, we have established that this
perpetrator was not alone. His efforts were made possible with the combined
efforts of people whom we believe to be Russians".
(Subject J - believed to be linked to the current Russian Hoover and Lada
shortages)
These people are part of an organisation with a terrible regime, aimed at
striking fear and disarray into the hearts of the American people. This
administration will do all in its might to ensure these people disarmed, and brought to
justice through whatever means necessary. This is not just an attack on Kolonel
Kahlua, it is an attack on the regime itself.
President Bush left immediately after his statement, following jeers of
"Dog-lover" and "Pretzel-brain".
He is not available for further comment.
Spokesperson from the "Russian" embassy, Dr Big Phil, said
"They're not Russians, they're friggin' White Russians OKAY??? This
administration does take kindly to orders from pretzel brained dog lovers,
and people who claim they can read "concern" from a dog's face."
Dr Big Phil asked then that we give him a moment to assimilate accurately the
information we had just given him, and to calm his nerves with a taste of
"the wee water".
Excusing himself to go and change into his thinking clothes, he returned ten
minutes later with the sunken eyes of marasmus and smelling heavily of drink.
Looking dismayed he continued "How are you meant to read concern from a
dog's face anyway? I mean think about it, have you ever seen a dog look
concerned? My dog licks its testicles all the time, and cant even manage
to appear embarrassed about the whole thing." Big Phil paused to make
pointed eye contact with a young female reporter, "How would you feel if I
were to start licking my testicles?"
(Big Phil: Intense).
Dr Big Phil then asked the question "Is he some sort of Dr Do-little? Who is he trying to impress? Do you mean that you, the American people actually elected this dog-man into government. Perhaps you'll let my dog rusty run for president next year. Who the hell is this Bush anyway?"
(Rusty: Dr Big Phil's dog, leaves his presidential election bus, which he
will be using to tour the US next year)
