Stealing stuff from bars and (mostly) getting away with it: A White Russian Guide.
This section is designed to show you how to liberate various items from bars.
At this point, most publications would come out with some pussy crap about not
trying this at home, but we are NOT most publications. We say DO try to steal
things from bars, that is what bars are there for!
Stealing things from bars was recently found in a survey conducted by the
Metropolitan Police to be, and I quote, "Big and clever". The
spokesman for the Met went on to say, "Stealing shit from bars is, like,
totally cool! Imagine the chicks you could get if they knew you were a big
enough man to steal stuff from bars!".
Here is a brief synopsis of what we have managed to steal from bars:
4 shot ladders (wooden platters that hold 6 shot glasses each)
36 tulip shot glasses
12 stackable shot glasses
24 miller pint glasses
13 half-pint glasses
4 two-pint steins
A 10 foot long canvass Budweiser promotional banner (all credit to the J-man)
15 sixty watt light bulbs
3 large Budweiser posters
(Almost) A giant sized Cat-In-The-Hat style hat from a drinks promoter - I'll get it eventually
(A selection of stolen shot ladders - we can't get any more cause thy changed
the bloody locks).
(Budweiser posters: Nicked)
I'm sure I have forgotten some things on here, but I'll add them in as I'm reminded and as we continue to thieve things.
(The
Manager of Wine Inns Belfast, on hearing what the White Russian team are costing
him on a weekly basis).
How to do it
I'm sure we are wondering how we do a lot of this theft without getting our
heads kicked in by the Bouncers, and/or arrested. The answer is that we don't
(see Harry The Hat article)!
But we do have a good success rate, so I'll help you out with a few pointers so
that you too can be master criminals. Just like us.
Step One: Getting Blasted.
The importance of being Suitably Blasted (© J-man2001) cannot be stressed
enough when you want to steal something from a bar. There are several reasons
for this.
If you are sober, you will look shifty and nervous. This is bad. Bouncers can
smell fear, and will often beat you for just looking guilty. When you are
Suitably Blasted© you are either too drunk to notice or too drunk to care; or
both. Therefore you will be overlooked.
Secondly, once you are drunk you will go for more and more elaborate
items.
If you are tipsy, you may well slip a shot glass in your pocket and wrestle a
bit with your conscience. If you are drunk, you may well steal the shot ladder
they came in and feel a slight twinge of guilt.
If, however, you are Suitably Blasted©, you will spend twenty minutes stealing
a 10 foot long canvas Budweiser poster in plain view of the Bouncers. Not only
will you not feel guilt or remorse, you will actively laugh and brag to your
friends for several days afterwards; or even approach strangers in the street to
wallow in your own colossal intellect. The best bit is you will almost certainly
not get caught: the bouncers primitive brains will not allow them to believe
that the absolutely blocked man in the Hawaiian shirt could possibly be
trying to steal that massive poster in plain sight of them. By the time they realize
what has happened it is too late.
(J-man:
15 shots of Passoa makes him the greatest criminal mastermind in the world).
Step Two: Hiding the Goods.
Now that you have the goods, you have to make it out of there.
This is not as easy as it sounds: its all very well finding yourself in possession
of a giant canvas poster, but what the hell do you do now? How do you get it out
of the building past two giant Bouncers? This was a
particular problem with the shot ladders - they are just long enough to make you
walk like one of the cast of Village Of The Dammed when you ram them into an
inside coat pocket.
The choice of coat is essential, since a Gucci jacket will be no use to
you if a bouncer dances on your head because you drop a stolen pint glass out of its
small pockets. The Kolonel has discovered that trenchcoats are the way to go -
not only can he fit almost anything inside them, but he can also get fast
access to the pair of 9mm Uzi's with the modified firing pins that he habitually
carries everywhere he goes.
(The
Kolonel introduces us to his two best friends).
Step Three: Easssyyyy......
OK: You're outside the front door, goods suitably hidden. This is where it can
all go horribly wrong. The rule here is never, never run. No matter how
big the temptation, never run.
Bouncers will pursue any fast moving object, from people through to low flying
aircraft. If you run, they will chase. If you fall, they will kill you.
Remember: the only thing worse than being jumped up and down on by a 15 stone
man is being jumped up and down on by a 15 stone man when you have pocketfuls of
glasses.
The trick is to walk. If you must, then you may strut. But NEVER
run. Nod to the bouncers, remembering to be as drunk as possible; and introduce
the word "Mate" into a slurred sentence: "Thssafkinggreatnightfanksmate",
for example, will have the bouncers mentally classifying you as a drunken bum
and they will immediately ignore you, allowing you to make good with the booty.
This system was best put into use on a drunken weekend in Dublin, where the
Kolonel and DOV went for a bowl of chili late in the night. After they had eaten
it, the conversation went like this:
Kolonel: "Have we paid for this yet"
DOV: "Nope. Runner?"
Kolonel: "Aye."
We walked past the bouncer at the door, nodding on the way.
Bouncer: "Enjoy your night, lads."
DOV: "Something tells me we will. Thankyou."
We walked into the street.
DOV: "Easy......... easy........ wait for it....."
Kolonel: "Now?"
DOV: "RRRUUUNNNNN!!!!!!!"
£10 saved, which we spent on chips, simply because we could. The chili tasted better than anything I've ever eaten: it was free.
Another textbook example was the J-man and the theft of the Massive
Promotional Budweiser Poster™. As mentioned, he stole it in plain sight of the
bouncers over about 20-25 minutes. To get it out of the bar, he used one of the
most awesome tactics I have personally ever heard.
He stuffed it up the shirt of a friends girlfriend, and rammed the remainder
down her trousers. This obviously rendered her incapable of walking, so the
J-man and her boyfriend carried her out under the pretence of her being drunk!
Obviously the J-man remembered to thank the bouncers on the way out so as to
throw them off the trail.
Morally reprehensible? Yes.
Childish? You bet.
Awesomely funny? Damn right.
(J-Man and the Giant Poster: "Its Miller time, baby!")
Stealing stuff from bars: its the way to go.
Stealing stuff from bars: Update!
It would seem that stealing stuff from bars has really caught on...
The boys from New
Wave Sound have been thieving away, with some very comic results! The tally
so far stands at:
"No dogs allowed on green" sign - they spent 5 minutes trying to
unscrew it, then gave up and kicked it off. (Mike the guitarist is one of
natures handy-men).
A car license plate
4 snooker chalks
4 shot glasses
Budweiser poster (tradition, really)
Pint glass
Cue ball from a pool table
Quite why the guys need so much chalk is beyond me, but this is a good effort
for a first nights attempt.
If they manage to pull off the theft they have been talking about, I will be
well impressed. I don't want to give too much away for legal reasons; but see if
you can guess their intended target from this picture...
