Strip Club opens in Belfast:
Xeelee reveals plans to sell Grandmother to fund new habit
Finally, the troubles will come to an end in Northern Ireland, for the day
has come when Protestant and Catholic alike can sit together, drink, and pay
young ladies to get their Norks out.
(For fuck sake Micky forget about the fucking bomb, she has her fucking Norks
out!)
Now the thing is, see, that the opening of the illustrious Movie Star
Cafe coincided with the emigration of Xeelee - one of the members of the
White Russian Security team. We had been wondering where we should go for his
good bye dinner. Several ideas were forwarded, such as Fatty
Arbuckles, Ba Soba and a few other places.
Finally Xeelee, who had up until now been sitting quietly in the corner exuding
that special zen calm possessed only by the deeply insane, spoke up:
(Lads, if you don't take me to a strip club, I'm going to start busting
heads).
Not wanting to argue, the plan was set. Myself and Xeelee would be accompanied
by Grapplin' Keith; the other member of the White Russian Security team.
(White Russian Security: If your names not on the list, we'll jump up and
down on your head.)
The precedent has long been set amongst the White Russian team that the best
way to guarantee entry into any bar or club is to wear a suit; the cheaper the
better. In this case, however, we decided that expensive suits were the only way
to go.
The reasons for this are simple, and revolve around the way that establishments
like this usually work:
1) While you eat your meal, a nubile young lady gyrates around a pole
2) Other, equally nubile young ladies will wander around the tables
3) Said nubile young ladies will try and talk you into paying them for a private
dance
4) The amount of attention you get from these young ladies is dependant on how
likely they think you are to pay for a private dance
5) Therefore, the number of Norks you get flashed in your face is directly
proportional to how flashy you look.
With this simple rule in mind, we turned up wearing suits, aviators and smoking the most expensive cigars we could find.
This combination proved irresistible, as demonstrated by Xeelee:
By the end of the night we were beating strippers off us like flies.
(Stripper: Holy shit, that guy has a three piece suit!.... Xeelee: Who loves ya, baby!)
Unfortunately, there was a weak link in our plan.... Grapplin' Keith had
never been to a strip club before. Now this may not seem like such a big deal,
but believe me folks, these women can smell an amateur a mile off.
In order to get maximum attention from young ladies in a scenario like
this you must ignore them at all costs.
I know it sounds crazy, but you must fight the urge to gawk at the girly on
the pole. I don't care how impressive her upside-down swirly trick is, no matter
how much she gyrates, you must be strong.
Despite his assurances that he would play it cool, the sight of
so many G-strings in one place proved to be too much for Graplin' Keiths brain
to deal with:
(Grapplin' Keith two minutes before entering the Movie Star Cafe:
It's OK guys, I'll be cool.)
(Grapplin' Keith 30 seconds after entering the Movie Star Cafe:
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SELL ME A PRIVATE DANCE! TAKE THE FUCKING MONEY! I'LL
KILL YOU!!)
I must say, a good night was had by all, especially Grapplin' Keith; who spent the entire night with a sheen of sweat on his face and steam rising out of his collar. His facial expression - a mixture of a horrible leer and sheer contentment - sent a shiver down the spine of every stripper that crossed his line of vision.
(Dip me in honey and throw me to the lap-dancers!)
Xeelee and Grapplin' Keith were extremely impressed when it transpired that DOV
personally knew one of the strippers, from a night out with the J-man that
turned very weird. It's not often you end up roaming the streets at 3am with a
couple of pole dancers!
If anyone's interested, her name is Kitty, and although we weren't
allowed to take photos inside the Movie Star Cafe, here are a few shots of her
on that fateful night out:
(J-man, lovingit).
(DOV, also loving it).
(J-man: My sleazy senses are tingling - lets follow them).
(Kitty hailing a taxi. No, really, I'm serious).
(J-man andDOV: Holy fucking shit!!!)
Obviously we will be returning to the mighty Movie Star Cafe, no doubt to
run some sort of complex scam to allow us to take pictures inside the building.
On one final note, Xeelee asked me to run this advertisement on the Internet so
that he can raise some extra cash - apparently strip clubs in Los Angeles are
even more expensive than over here, and the man does have a habit to feed. Maybe
he should start doing heroin, and save some money...
For Sale:
Grandmother
One careful owner
Fully licensed (dog and television)
$150 o.n.o.
Good luck in America, Xeelee!
Don't forget: The speed limit over there is 55mph, and the cops carry guns...
(Xeelee - last of the cowboys, and an all American hero)
-This article brought to you by DOV.
