How to deal with that unpredictable teenage erection
You know who I’m talking about. Yes, YOU!!! The little boy that sits at the back of classroom, blushing all day. The one who thinks his teacher can mind read his mind. Perhaps even see through the fabric of his very pants……. It’s massive. It’s HUGE!!!! It wont go away!!! Perhaps I could sellotape it down…..
This young boy, is one of many who has just had an unpredictable, teenage erection.
Being an adolescent boy is never easy. Just when you become interested in girls, (and girls become interesting), Kablam! (Kolonel, 2001), ACNE – RIGHT ON THE END OF YOUR NOSE!!!! To top it off, your “man part” has developed a mind of it’s own., and it’s dumb. Hell, it can’t tell the difference between the feel of woman or a bus – so it assumes everything it comes into contact with is woman – even the very fabric of your pants! Suddenly, disaster.
The blood flow through your pudendal artery soars, the veins constrict, your “man part” is attempting to salute half the school, simultaneously you face blushes. There’s too much demand! Your blood is being diverted everywhere, and your blood pressure is crashing!!!! A compensatory reflex kicks in, the blood flow to your brain is reduced – that’ll sort it!!! But no, reducing the blood flow to your brain has had a disastrous consequence – you’re left with one thought going through your head – SHIT!!! It’s an erotic one!!
Why,oh why, do we go through adolescence?
Prehistoric humans did not go through a period of adolescence, according to new scientific evidence published in the journal Nature.
Scientists believe that one of our ancestors, Homo erectus (control those thoughts lads, control them!), may have developed more like an ape and missed out on adolescence - which evolved in later humans to allow for extra learning time.
Homo erectus roamed parts of Africa about two million years ago and showed many modern human characteristics, such as shorter arms, broad wrists and a fascination with Angelina Jolie.
The difference seems to allow us to learn how to use our bigger, male, brains.
Einstein calculates the root mean squared. Einstein was renowned for being quite the
adolescent in his time
The research carried out on the fossilised teeth suggests that the extended period of adolescence (a.k.a. embarrassment), as we know it, only developed about half a million years ago.
The scientists behind the work say that if Homo erectus did not go through adolescence, then he did not need an extended learning time. This, they say, is because he still had a small ape-like brain. Homo erectus was never capable of telekinesis, but you can be.
In fact, every man with “self control” possesses telekinesis (the ability to move an object, solely by the power of the mind). Unfortunately, it works for just one object. The “Man object”.
So, how can a teenaged boy control his unpredictable erection. Here’s a few tips:
-Always have an empty bladder. If your bladder is full, the reasoning centres in your brain may decide it’s erection time. This is a bad way to control bladder contractions.
-Remember that no-one will be able to tell you have an erection, and no-one can read minds. The key is never to be conscious of what your “man part” is doing. This can create a deadly cycle of events. NB, this is not an excuse to walk around all day with a banana salute in the front of your trousers. Just because people can’t tell, doesn’t make it legal!
-Never wear silk briefs!
If all fails, and a full blown banana salute is imminent, try thinking of the following images. If they don’t work, consider going to a child psychiatrist.
The above picture shows a dog leaving a bus, looking provocatively down the street. Disgusting!
The above picture shows six dogs in a swimming pool,
some of them looking provocatively at the cameraman. Essssh!
If
those images don’t work, the below image should be used as a last, ditch
attempt
