The White Russian "White Russian" review
This is a regular new feature on WR – a review of those other sites who feel that they are worthy to be highlighted when you type in the keywords "white russian" into a search engine.
The idea came about when we were looking to see if the domain name whiterussian.com existed or not. Turns out that it is owned by some FUCKWIT cybersquatter who has held the domain since 1997 who re-registered it every year but HAS NOT EVEN GOT A GODDAMN WEBSITE.
Artists impression of the owner of www.whiterussian.com.
This man is on now DOV’s list of people who will get punched in the head upon sight. This is known as The List.
Kolonel Kahula took the news that whiterussian.com was being cybersquatted badly.
Anyway, we tried typing "white russian" into Google and had a look at what came up. Holy Shit.
When we saw some of the funk that appeared we decided there and then that a comprehensive review had to be conducted, and this ladies and gentlemen is the first installment. Follow me if you will to the first result that appeared:
No more drugs for the author of this web page, please.
Open it in a new window as you read this. As the page begins to download you are first confronted with the face of an animal from the third level of hell itself: the weasel.
The weasel: natures Murderer
Now up until this point I thought that weasels were pretty bad: they are small enough to fit up the leg of your trousers and have a gum-full of sharp pointy circumscisors to work with when they get there. This appears to be what weasels have evolved for.
But having seen this site, it introduces us to something much more dangerous.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the weasles on this particular site share one small but vital fact: THEY ARE ALL INSANE.
Apparently this is due to "Aleutian Disease" caused by the Aleutian Mink Disease Parovirus but really the cause is irrelevent. What’s more important is that these weasels most likely have the same trouser-assaulting tendencies of normal weasels, but without fear or the need for self preservation. Super weasels you might say.
So what happens if you try to stop one of these things as it is about to reach your crotch? Well I’m no expert, but I’d say something like this:
The weasel wasn’t even hungry: it killed for fun.
The fight you would have with this thing would be short and terrible – the kind where neither party makes any noise at all. The weasel would be rabidly trying to maul your crotch, whereas you would desperately be trying to hold at bay this insane bag of fur that is more like a fuzzy blender than one of Gods creatures.
After a few seconds, the site becomes even more surreal; as the loading completes and an "Elevator Music" version of Somewhere over the rainbow kicks in, turning what’s left of your rational mind to mush.
So, to recap, you are sitting there with a madwoman trying to persuade you that one of natures most reviled rodents - which is coincidently insane – should be loved and respected. And all the while your brain is trying to block out the horrible, horrible music playing over and over and over and over….
Well, frankly it’s worked on me. I think these wonderful animals should be bred – especially the lunatic ones with Aleutian disease. Now hear me out for a second on this one.
Think of the uses of these bad boys…
Example: the CIA is currently scouring Afganistan for Osama bin Laden the "Evil Santa". Imagine how much easier this could be with a couple of hundred crazed weasels in the back of a Hercules transport plane!
Fly over the suspected village where Osama may be hiding carrying a couple of hundred weasles with this parovirus which have been starved for a several days, teased and then packed into a stuffy cargo plane for a few hours. Imagine how pleased they’ll be when you drop them a few hundred feet into a village?
Pissed. That’s what they’d be.
The weasels are loaded for a daring dawn raid over Taliban. Those brave, brave little rodents. God bless every one of them, and God bless the USA.
They will go for the groin of anyone within sight, and given the dress thingys they wear over in Afganistan the poor bastards won’t stand a chance. Simply surround the village and shoot anyone with a beard that happens to survive the weasels.
Plus, Weasels are almost certainly not excluded from warfare by the Geneva convention SO IT’S ALL LEGAL.
Muhammed, did you hear somethinoohhhhchristMYBALLSSSSAAARGggghhh……
And its not just war where insane weasels come into their own. In todays culture of extreme sports, the White Russian team are proud to bring you Weasel-wheelie bin roulette.
This is along the same lines as russian roulette – but there the worst that can happen is that you will die. The stakes are a bit higher in Weasel-wheelie bin roulette.
What happens is that the competitor stands in front of three wheelie bins. Two are empty. One contains several ADV infected weasels.
The competitor picks a bin and quickly lifts the lid and jumps in head first. If the gods are smiling on him it is empty, if not he gets weaseled.
A fresh sack of insane weasels is loaded up in the first annual White Russian open Weasel-wheelie bin roulette championships.
The career of another young athlete ends tragically as Micky O’Toole - 4 times weasel roulete winner - makes a bad judgement call and goes for bin number two. Rest easy, Micky, the Lord holds thee now.
In big tournaments, the odds are upped by hammering on the side of the bins for several minutes with a baseball bat before diving in. If the weasel is in there it will be REALLY pleased to see you.
Reading on through the page, the madness continues. Especially under the Letters section, where more like minded weasel totting do-gooders scrawl in to add their thoughts. Here’s a few examples:
"I've shed so many tears over that knowledge ... still do every time I hold them close and remember that there is an invisible killer loose in their tiny bodies. Then I look at the other nine, all healthy as can be, with probably years of good health ahead of them .."
Now. There are several points I would like to raise here.
- The invisible killers should not be the issue, it’s the fact that you are holding a very visible and very real killer. These things are EVIL. Look at them!! The only reason you are still alive at this moment is because the filthy weasel is lulling you into a false sense of security before it goes in for the maiming!
- This woman has at least 10 of these crazy fuckers running amock in her HOUSE. Are you INSANE!? I wouldn’t feel safe knowing that ten weasels existed in the whole country, let alone loose and with free access to the same living space as me.
- These things have "years" of health ahead of them, which means they arent going to go away. Also, you have to sleep at some point whereas 10 weasels could easily work in shifts to destroy you.
- Having one crazy weasel will possibly turn it into a rodent version of Riggs from Lethal Weapon; where it has no real reason to live but is suicidal, homicidal and deeply, deeply insane.
This weasel is probably so full of drugs to get this shot its ridiculous. Even in this comatose state, don’t EVER turn your back on it.
If you fancy sending a letter to this site, you can do so at: ferretlover97@yahoo.com
PS: this means that there are at least 96 other people online who sympathise with this nutcase.
Oh, and by the way, the rodents on here are ferrets, not weasels; but hey: they all taste the same to me.
DOV.
