The White Russian "White Russian" review II
Well folks, we said it would be weekly and frankly I’m as surprised as you are that the second installment is actually on time.
The site which came up under this weeks search engine search under the keywords "white russian" revealed more hilarity: WE ACTUALLY HAVE OUR OWN RELIGION!
That’s right folks, it turns out that there is a branch of the Russian Orthodox Church called the White Russian church.
Well who would have guessed it. Turns out we are not only cultured motherfuckers; we are ecumenical motherfuckers too.
Ladies, I give you The kolonel, j-man and DOV: how much culture can you take?
In fact, given that we are the global pioneers of the White Russian that would make us Prophets if not Gods to these people.
The White Russian team: Godlike.
The mind boggles as to what Doctrine would exist if we were actually in charge of the White Russian church, but they would probably land us in Hell fairly fast. In fact, there is probably a "White Russian" wing under construction in Hell right now for us specifically, right next to the main boilers. Satan is probably onto us already.
Try as he might, DOV couldn’t rid himself of the nagging feeling that he may have gone too far with this article.
Here is a brief synopsis of some of the changes that would have to be made:
- Alter wine to be replaced with Kahula, and served on tap. Smirnoff ice may be "shot-gunned" at special occasions such as Christmas.
- Sermons to be conducted by Billy Connoly, Jack Dee, Dennis Leary.
- Weasels are to be declared "unclean". It was those vermin that ruined shit in the Garden of Eden anyway. Snakes just got the bad press. Bastards.
- Bishop’s mitres will be replaced with "cat-in-the-hat" hats.
- Traffic laws will not apply to the White Russian prophets.
- Hymns will be replaced with a combination of funk guitar or a non-stop track of "Louis-Louis". Other approved tunes include "The Love Shack" (if the J-man has his way) and "See you later Alligator", to be played at funerals.
- R&B and garage music will be considered Evil, and the perpetrators will be burned with the weasels.
- The senior clergy will consist of:
The cast of "Jackass"
Silent Bob and Jay from Mallrats
Tom Jones
The Fonze
Zane from the fosters advert
Mr. T
The drunk doctor from Cannonball Run
An adult male orangutan
John Wayne (The Duke)
The Pimp of Funk Samuel Jackson
10) Free love for all, except:
- The fat.
- The fat chicks
- The stupid.
- Weasel, ferrets and other trouser climbing vermin.
- Palestinians (see below).
- The fat (see above).
This should form the basis of a Religion that will sweep the youth of today into the realms of the Holy.
The White Russian congregation praise the Lord. Sorry, I mean beer.
Imagine:
After a morning firing an AK47 into a barrel of weasels the young member of generation X attends church; already feeling good about himself for destroying some of the devils own vermin. Once there, he helps himself to a couple of shots of kahula mixed with a spot if milk to ease the hangover from the night before.
Sitting in the pew, mass starts as the funk guitarist picks out the first few chords of "Play that funky music White Boy", and the vicar steps up to the alter. It is Bishop Jack Elam (the drunk doctor from cannonball run), and he is wearing his cat-in-the-hat hat with as much dignity as someone can muster when they are so drunk they have to lie on the floor and hold on.
The Reverend doctor. Truly one of Gods own people.
The sermon begins: "Pprhururur. Proctology’s my specialty, phururur, but I’m….. probably the worlds… foremost…. expert on the bible..", he slurs, sinking slowly to the floor and passing out.
The sermon is today spoken by the Reverend Dennis Leary, who brings to the congregation the theory that the authority system of the Catholic Church is based entirely on the size of hats. "That seems to be the way it works in the Catholic Church. Priests have no hats, those bishops have those little beanie things, the pope has a big hat. God must have a huge fucking sombrero up there in heaven. ‘Look at me, I’m God! Look at the size of my hat! Who else could I be!?’"
After the ritual stoning of R&B devil Craig David, the congregation disperses to get drunk and watch the weekly Sunday night Jackass episodes on MTV. For they are truly children of God.
The Duke: bringing True Grit to the infidels.
What a system, eh?
But wait, These Crowd are bringing us terrible news – not only are the Palestinians cruelly forcing the Israelis to spend millions pumping bullets into their greasy asses; they have also taken over our beloved church! Is there no end to the persecution?
Well, we are not without our own defenses here at White Russian towers: for I have discovered in our other website review that we have our own battle fleet.
www.warships1.com/Russian_battleships.htm
Lets see how those bitches like it when myself, the Kolonel, the J-man and church members Mr. T, John Wayne, and the Orangutan turn up in this bad boy:
and open up on their major cities with a few hundred depleted uranium shells.
Admittedly the Palestinians have survived holy wars and fighting for thousands of years – but do they really think they stand a chance against Mr. T and the Duke?
I pity the fool that thinks he can.
"Ain’t no fool gonna mess up my church! Fool!", speaketh Cardinal Barrakus.
So the war effort is now on. We must strike back. Our way of life is at stake – we demand our right to drink, to behave stupidly, to have free love, to drink, to climb over vans, and to drink. We cannot allow this to be taken from us by greasy men from foreign lands with suspicious moustaches.
Dirty weasels and Palestinian soldiers: can anyone truly tell the difference?
With your help though, we can make it. Send your cheques to us here at White Russian towers, and we will ensure that the White Russian church remains safe from harm. Cheques payable to "The Kolonels Jacuzzi fund" please.
P.S.
The White Russian team are sensitive to the religious beliefs of its readership, and have asked one of our senior church members to issue this pre-emptive apology to anyone offended by the content of this article or the issues raised herein:
Up yours, you Zealots!
