Xtreme Office Sports
Disclaimer:
Welcome to office Xtreme sports. Office Sports have been conducted either by professionals or under the careful supervision of professionals. Some of the stunts shown herein are extremely dangerous and have been carried out under the most controlled of conditions (i.e. drunk). We STRONGLY suggest that you try them for yourself. They are big, they are clever. They will make you feel like a big man. You will have the respect of your peers. The chicks will love it. Be an office xtreme sports star.
It will make you a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus: just like us. Video Clip One
Remember: Pain fades, Glory lasts forever
The Origins of Office Xtreme
Firstly let me get this out of the way once and for all:
WE DID NOT COPY JACKASS.
There. Now, you have been warned: if you suggest this to The Kolonel or myself we will personally insert a swiveling office chair Pro Rectum. Sideways.
The idea for Office Xtreme came from none other than the Biscuit Tin Ninja, and was his pet project from the very conception of
whiterussianonline.com. The BTN had too much on his plate and so the article never took off, and was picked up by the Kolonel and myself.
Shortly after DOV was sitting at home watching his weekly dose of Jackass on MTV when suddenly one of the sketch titles rolled up: “Office Chairs”
NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he screamed, mashing the keypad of the phone to try and get through to the Kolonel. Jackass did good, bringing the office chairs
to a skatepark and resulting in all round hilarity as usual. But we were screwed. They had got the idea out first so we would always be seen
as second best. There was only one thing to do: Make our version even more dangerous and impressive.
You will notice that our Office Xtreme Sports differ from Jackasses Office chairs sketch in several ways.
1) We managed to “surf” our chairs rather than just sit in them.
First attempt to surf
Watch carefully as DOV falls off just as he leaves the frame, hurting himself badly while The Kolonel and La Femme Nikki laugh their asses off. True
friends”
2) We have some outstanding aerial shots of the chairs being jumped over everything from park benches to office co-workers.
3) We can do it drunk.
The world is getting more extreme. Extreme sports are prevalent as young men try to find relief from the Nanny State which threatens to
overwhelm our ability totake risks. Censorship is rife, our right to do what we want when we want is in danger of dying forever. Well not any more.
The White Russian team brings you the way to reinstill individuality to the workplace – Office Xtreme Sports.
“Mr. Smith, I need those papers by 12.00am. I can’t stress enough what a big contract this is and I wou….. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?!”
Strike back!!
Don’t let the bastards grind you down: we will not allow the Matrix to come true. I AM NOT A NUMBER! I AM A MAN! Ahem.
Anyway, on with the childish behaviour and general dangerous activities.
Choosing your Ride
The skateboarders among you (and there are a few: hello all the guys from Newcastle) will be familiar with all the big names in
board design. Birdhouse. Blind. Powell (recommended by DOV).
But what about office chairs? Who are the big players in the office sports game?
Do you need grind plates? What chair is best for street, what is best for vert?
We used two chairs for the filming, one for the street surfing and one for the aerial stunts:
Air chair: Light, fast trucks, no nasty
armrests to snap your spine. Maximum height for minimum amount of pain.
Street or “Old School” chair: Heavy, low centre of gravity, soft trucks with fast bearings. Arm rests serve the dual purpose of helping you get
into the standing position and cruelly destroying your shins when you inevitably fall off. For the Good Lord giveth, and he taketh away.
The Exfort series of office chairs- the Office Xtreme equivalent of a
blind deck with birdhouse trucks. Awesome.
For those of you who are serious about your office chairs,
try these folks
These chaps make custom chairs for the disabled and even go so far as to measure the ply of your carpet in the workplace to make you
the PERFECT offic chair. Needless to say, the White Russian team sent them an e-mail to see if they coul make us the perfect Office Xtreme hog.
We will keep you posted as to any reply.
Office XtremeSports: The Basics
Firstly let me say this: This shit is not easy. Standing on a skateboard for the first time is hard. Surfing an office chair is what we
Office Xtreme Sports stars refer to technically as A FUCKING NIGHTMARE.
Imagine a skateboard; then add in the fact that an office chair’s centre of gravity is 3 feet higher, it can rotate in two separate directions without
warning, the hydraulics can give up at any point and drop it up to half a foot, and its wheels can point in up to 5 different directions at any given time
Usually all of these things happen at the same time, i.e. when you least expect it to or when you REALLY wish it wouldn’t.
So, here is a step by step guide for those wishing to surf an office chair.
Step One: Start off by rolling in a seated position at an incredible speed. Holding a computer
keyboard and looking like a smug bastard are optional.
Step Two: Get one foot onto the “Spider” and a knee onto the seat, working up to both knees on
the seat as you get braver. Check out the speed blur in this picture, folks!
Step Three: The sun is shining, the birds are singing and you’re surfing an office chair.
Surely it doesn’t get any better than this. Observe the look of awe on the young ‘boarders’ faces as someone they consider to be an “adult” does
something simultaneously so impressive and yet so goddamn dangerous.
Second attempt at surfing.
This is how it should be done. Watch for the bemused member of the public wandering into the back left of the shot, no doubt wondering what
the hell is wrong with the youth of today.
Dealing with your Co-workers Anger:
It should be highlighted that not everyone in the office will be impressed with your comedy hi-jinks. Some will complain that you are being
“childish” or “immature”. The best way to deal with this is to change their screen-saver to read “I AM A BIG GAY FRUIT” while they are on their
lunch break and then passwording it. We’ll see who the immature one is then, the bastards.
Anyway, once the shouting continues and it becomes obvious that you aren’t going to give up your newfound sport without a fight,
the nanny-brigade may go to Extreme measures to stop you being Xtreme. The best way they can do this is to knock you off your rolling chair by
blind-siding you and throwing an office chair in your path. Here’s what happens:
The Kolonel took the novel directorial
approach of not telling me he was going to throw an office chair at my head
The best thing about this clip is the
pair of office chairs left spinning and alone in the wind as DOV disappears off
the frame and into a personal world of pain
The Kolonel ensures that he throws the chair with just enough force that DOV just about gets one leg over it, leaving his remaining shin to take
the full force of the blow...
...thereby forcing him to make a one-legged landing at running speed. DOV felt great, as he endeavored to pretend it didn’t hurt for the benefit of the onlooking skateboarders.
Showing Off
Once you have mastered surfing, you can move on to skateboarding style tricks.The Kolonel shows us how to “Hang Ten” for those of you who Surf, or a “Nose Manual” for you Skaters.
DOV shows the onlooking skaters why “Kick-flipping” an office chair is a bad idea
The Kolonel grinds along a park bench, and amazingly survives!
Can an Xtreme Office Chair operate on a half pipe?
This question has baffled quantum physicists for many years. In fact, I believe it was Professor Steven Hawking who once said: “ Dem bitches gonna slap a dingo o’ a half pipe? That fool crazier than a jived up crack ho’”. Professor Steven “Jive” Hawking keeps it Real for his Homies. Any-who, we decided it would be a good idea to find out. Well, actually we thought it would be a bad idea – dangerous at best and lethal at worst – but it would make good viewing. The decision was made, obvioussly, while drunk and staggering home from a bar. In the cold, hard light of day, as DOV dragged the office chair to the top of the Vert ramp, he realised the Kolonel and J-man for what they were: Bastards. Surrounded by impressionable young lads, DOV knew what he faced: he could either do it and be respected (for the first time in his life), or be forever known as a coward. He decided to go for it:
If you look closely you can actually see the exact moment when DOV realises that he is dead. Obviously he fell off; but he got cheered anyway. And the hits just kept coming: he fell off more and more, with the Kolonel pissing himself laughing and the J-man coming up with helpful statements like: “You’ll have to do that again, the camera wasn’t on”.
J-man: “Do it again”
DOV: “Urrrggimmmmmdyyinngg”
J-man: “AGAIN!”
DOV shows how to best sustain a simultaneous wrist and ankle fracture
This would have really hurt, but luckily you can almost feel the sympathy emanating off the watching skateboarders. To the casual observer it
looks like they are laughing their asses of, but DOV can feel the love.
DOV demonstrates what in Skateboarding terms is called an “Eggplant”, but is
known in Office Sports terms as a “Stupid Fucking Idea”.
DOV attempts his first run. Watch for his leg getting stuck in the dreaded shin-destroying arm rest.
The first go on the Vert ramp…
The second vert ramp was not so successful…
so DOV decided that the best idea was to try it again – backwards!
This one really hurt. Really.
A big thanks to all the skaters in Newcastle for loaning us the half pipe for the day and putting up with our ineptitude, and swearing while in
terrible pain.
Catching some Air
This would be a rather poor article if all we did was roll about on the chair pretending it was a big skateboard. With this in mind we decided
to see if we could get some “air” on these bad boys.
DOV responds to the J-mans challenge of “seeing how high he can get”
For those of you familiar with motocross; this is DOV making a complete bollocks of a “Superman”
Of course, the fact is again that your co-workers may not like your antics. This is especially true if you incorporate them into
your zany new stunt show without their consent. Imagine how they will laugh when the only warning they get is the approach of
sprinting feet as you launch over their head screaming “YEEEEHHHAAAAAAWWW!!!” at the top of your lungs! You will be the envy of the office.
DOV always feels that it is important to leave an appropriate safety margin. In this case; none.
DOV: 50% commitment, 60% inappropriate self-belief, 2% skill: 112% Idiot.
What to do if your chair is confiscated
Eventually you will be deprived of your chair. It happens to all the Xtreme Sportsters at some point, and can spell the end of your
career if you’re not careful.
All it takes is for you to run over the bosses feet or crash into the back of someone’s head as you try to vault them, and you could find
yourself being condemed to working from a wheel-less chair.
So what do you do?
Grumble?
Whine?
Bend over and take this ignominy from some doyley weaving 40-year-old woman who no doubt sold you out to the boss?
Go to work on her car with a baseball bat?
No.
What you do is fix a set of Skateboard trucks to the bottom of your keyboard and let the fun begin again!
(Oh, and go to work on her car with a baseball bat of course).
Obvious, really. You can then continue to annoy and upset the figures of authority in true White Russian style. After all, they can give you a chair with no wheels; but they can’t take away your keyboard! Mmwwahahahahahaha!
The J-man demonstrates a Board Grab. Tony Hawk could probably do it better, but then could he down a pint of Whisky and Rasberryade? I think not. Everyone has their own unique talent.
Anyone think that DOV is going to successfully land this Kick-flip?
Answers on a postcard to: Not A Fucking Chance Competition, White Russian Towers, Hell.
If you can do this on a keyboard, we will all buy you a drink
This is how Keyboard skating should be done! Unfortunately the White Russian team are, as the J-man puts it, “Too old for this shit”.
Keep on Rollin’
Well, that’s it folks. After Months and Months the White Russian have finally cobbled together the Office Xtreme Sports article, at the expense of most of our (legal) webspace. Hope you enjoyed it, we will be bringing you a “Behind the Scenes” article when I’m sober or can be arsed; whichever comes first. In it we will show you how to systematically wreck a computer using a park bench, some aerial congratulations for a job well done, and the Kolonel will be showing you why it is not a good idea to try skateboarding for the first time in the middle of the night on a big hill while drunk. We will give you the background on where we filmed and the reactions we got. Best of all, we will explain the revenge wreaked on the owner of Cranfield Caravan Park, who prevented us for filming there on the somewhat flimsy grounds that it was childish, immature, dangerous and illegal. I mean come on, if everything we did was judged on those grounds we would never leave the damn house!
I can’t stress enough how you should try out the moves we have shown you here, in order to impress your friends and further your career. If the worst comes to the worst and you get shouted at, lose your job or end up as a paraplegic then just say that the Internet told you to do it. We could use the publicity. Until then, keep on rollin’!
-DOV
