This weeks news : 2002-02-15 by DOV

J-man announces Beach Ranger Crackdown for Summer 2002

Public Fears grow as new By-law Crackdown is announced by the J-man


The beach-going public reacted with horror today at news that the J-man and his able team of Beach Rangers will be even more heavy handed and petty in their enforcement of meangingless and irrelevent by-laws this summer.

In a seminar hosted by the J-man, inside a hollowed out volcano complete with giant likeness of his face carved on the side, he revealed his plans to a captive audience of fellow Beach Rangers:


The young wannabe Rangers were carefully vetted to see if they have what it takes to join the J-mans elite team.

(This young hopeful certainly has the look, but has he got the attitude to match..?)

New trainees were drilled in what the J-man refers to as "The four essential traits of a Beach Ranger".
He went on to detail these as:
1) The ability to fully enforce a by-law, regardless of how petty it is or how little it applies to the current situation.
2) Horrifying favoritism in arranging work rotas for staff members you like / fancy / hate
3) Doggedness in expressing the councils views
4) Always responding to a query or complaint made by a member of the public with sudden and uneccesary rudeness.

(One of the J-man's Trainees informs a member of the public exactly where he will be inserting his pen, if he doesn't immediately remove his dog from the beach).

Council reveals plans to issue Beach Rangers with Qaud Bikes
The J-man fully endorsed the debate as to whether Rangers should have access to Quad Bikes to make patrolling the beach easier.

(The J-man on a quad: like putting a baby in a blender. It's bound to go wrong...)

White Russian can reveal that the J-man has been taking lessons from resident Stunt Monkey, DOV, as to the appropriate and safe use of a Quad.
This session was spoiled somewhat by the J-mans declaration that "Helmets are for Gays", and his immediate wish to get past the rudimentary skills of "Braking" and "Not Rolling Over" so he could "Learn How To Wheelie".
DOV has never had a better pupil....

(The J-man: never one to let the laws of physics spoil his fun)


(DOV demonstrates the correct riding position for "Impressing the Ladies"; another essential Beach Ranger skill...)

After his first go on the Quad, the J-man was decided: the Rangers would definitely be needing some.

(The J-mans Ranger Quad, complete with optional extra 9mm Berretta).

Rangers to increase severity of charges for by-law infringement
The J-man also revealed that the consequences of by-law infringement would be more severe in the coming summer season.

(A Ranger patrol keeps an eye out for any pesky jet-ski users. The J-man won't let them get away with their care-free fun for long...)

One of the J-mans pet hates is people bringing their cars onto the soft sand on the beach, then getting stuck.
The J-man and his team have lost valuable man hours digging out what the J-man refers to as "Those fucking morons".

Instead of digging out or towing cars from the beach this year, the J-man has come up with what he describes as "a fairer and more reasonable alternative":

(Society is safe from yet another evil by-law infringer. Good work team).

Change in Ranger Uniform
Finally, the J-man revealed the new seasons Beach Ranger uniforms, which will now be mandatory.
   
(Boys)                                    (Girls)

If you think you have what it takes to be a Beach Ranger, why not try out the J-man Beach Ranger Quiz!

I don't know about you, but I certainly feel safer about hitting the beach this year.
God Bless the Rangers.

-DOV